Author: Adisha
•Monday, June 01, 2009
OK !! This is probably one of the more controversial topics I may talk about, and it May hit a few nerves so I'm taking the precaution of saying that all the below is from my experiences and all that I've seen and heard from people around me, people I've loved and cared for deeply and seen in their worst times. So if anyone does not agree, sure put your point forward but it's just something I personally believe in. No offense meant and if it helps any of you out there .... they are words from my heart to yours ....

I read the book " He's Just Not That Into You " yesterday. The tag line being " It's the no excuses rule to understanding guys " and that's exactly what it is. It's a light read, which is so to the point that it's hilarious in it's common sense. I recommend it to all the girls out there. Do yourselves a favor and read it. I wish I had back when !!! Yes, it's girly girly but guys too could benefit from it, for Many gals are prone to the same kind of obnoxious behavior that some times guys alone are blamed for. They say ( I don't know who ?? ) that men are from mars and women are from Venus but we all co inhabit the same planet and well, lets face it, with women's equality on an exponential rise we see men as confused as women and when single, everyone could use some help deciphering their counterparts.

Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about today. When reading the book it occurred to me how stupid, yes Stupid all of us get in the name of LOVE !! How we are all willing to put up with the weirdest things mixing up fact with fiction? Is it hormones ?? I don't know . Maybe it's the movies or romance novels. Maybe it's the VERSION of what we want our love or the object of our desire to be. Maybe it's that our parents / society/ media grill into us to do Everything for the person you love. Maybe people DO go blind in those moments. Maybe we just want to be loved so bad that we just keep stumbling in love, accepting whatever kind someone gives us. Harsh ?! Yeah, well ... but it's true more often than not.

We make excuses for those we love. Sure, there are times when compromise and understanding are Very essential to the success of any relation, but many other times we let go things that are Big NO NOs, just becoz we have convinced ourselves to overlook the FACTS and accept the hazy realities presented to us or the lies we tell ourselves. It's important to know to differentiate. Lies and Actions that if we see happening to another seem absurd and yet we let it All happen to us becoz we think Our love is Different, Unique. Well, the truth is - it's not !!! And another truth is, NOT everything is OK in the name of Love.

  • It's not ok to for someone to say things they have no intention of doing like call or bring a gift or help out or give time.
  • It's not ok for someone to keep another waiting time and again with no regard for another.
  • It's not ok to be indifferent or insulting to people the one you love cares about.
  • It's not ok to consistently make fun of, condescend, taunt, be rude to or disrespectful of someone you love. (Abuse is not just physical you know and this kind of behavior also leaves the worst scars)
  • It's not ok to be in touch with an exes while you are in a relationship. Sure, that's subjective but lets face it, what would one be proving by that and Most people are just not comfortable being in the presence of or compared to or jealous of someone from the past.
  • It's not ok to be very possessive, not giving each other enough space to grow.
  • It's not ok to cheat with a married person or a person in a relationship.
  • It's not ok to brush off what is important to or the feelings or the talents of those you cherish.
  • It's not ok to be in a long distance relationship and not call or keep in touch.
  • It's not ok to give another importance while ignoring the person you are supposedly with.
  • It's not ok for a guy to even raise a hand on a girl threateningly , neither a girl should ever slap the man in her life .
  • It's not ok to flirt with other people when you know you hold the keys to someone else's heart.
  • It's not ok to lead someone who believes in you onto paths from which it's really hard to return.
  • It's not ok to mooch off the person who cares about you, only coz you are too shameless and cheap.
  • It's not ok to get close to a married man or woman, no matter how horrid they claim their own spouses are. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
  • It's not ok to not talk to each other for days, putting your ego before your relationship.
  • It's not ok to be in a relationship, once the trust isn't there just becoz you're too scared to be alone.

None of it is OK.

Oh yes !!! We give ourselves and those around us a million reasons. He's too busy. She's pre-occupied. They are just friends. He didn't mean to say that. She cares from inside but just can't show it. We are too different, and that's why we fight. The yelling is a part of our passion. It's not the right time for us to commit to each other. It's just fear of commitment, that's OK right ? It won't be like this forever, they'll change. She's like this only with others, she'll be different with me. Our love is not like the others, it's unique. He's scared of his parents and will talk to them when the time is right. She's concentrating on her career right now. He understands me like no one else can, I don't care what else he does. I'll sacrifice everything if she asks me to. I can't imagine living without him. He's just stingy about money, that's ok coz he's saving for Our future. That happened to you, it would Never happen to me. I love him too much to let go. If I do something for him, doesn't mean he has to love me back the same way . He doesn't say it or show it , but i know he appreciates me. I know deep inside he loves me becoz usually he's nice to me, it's only sometimes that he's so rude. Look at how much she's helped me, I can't forget all that and leave her even after all the other things she's done. Oh!! His ex was a b*tch, which is why he's become like this - hurtful and scared of commitment. And the excuses go on and on .

Fact is No excuses can justify the Not Ok parts. Yeah, people may have their reasons but it's just not right. Most of the times, the above cases have Nothing to do with love. It's just one person putting all their belief into a " Fiction " that the other person loves them in their ways as well. It's just really, truly sad !!! My heart breaks when I hear any of the above and more, for I know that tomorrow, Most probably someone is going to get hurt. Bad !!!! And that turns into a vicious circle as people lash out or act out or hide within themselves, so as to ease the colosssal pain.

Yes, Love is magical, a mystery, miraculous, romantic and all that jazz !! Above all love is Simple.

I've said it all before, but I'll say it again.
  • Love is kind, gentle, giving. Love makes every thing seem easy for you are always there for each other.
  • Love makes you feel good about yourself and supports you in everything that you do. Love gives you the strength to be your self with the one your love.
  • Love helps your grow to new heights becoming a better person that you were.
  • Love is laughter, playfulness and fun !
  • Love lets you know that you are special and cherished and cared for.
  • Love works out all problems big or small, with the conviction that they can be solved.
  • Love doesn't have measurements of who did what but it lets you know that you are appreciated for what you are.
  • Love is when you trust someone enough to know they'll stand by your through everything.
  • Love doesn't ask you to change. It might expect some adjustments, but Never to change your personality.
  • Love is mutual respect.
  • Love is what makes you dial a number, no matter how busy you are, just so that you can hear their voice or tell them you miss them or to let them know you'll call later.
  • Love is what helps you stand by your convictions.
  • Love is what breaks your heart when you see a tear in another's eye.
  • Love is what has you jumping through hoops to see a smile of their face.
  • Love is when you want someone else to be happy, even if it means you not being in their life.

Love doesn't cause pain and suffering. It's only as complicated as you make it. If you love someone truly , you'll try your utmost to be with them. If for some reason you can't, there's no shame in moving on and letting them do the same. Sure there's hurt and pain and tears but there's always the hope for a better tomorrow. It's truly blessed , to love with your whole being the person you commit the rest of your life to, whose returning the promise to you accepting you as is. You're heart is big enough. It can keep giving should you choose to. And fact of the matter is , if you talk to Anyone openly and frequently, soon there's a vibe between you that will surely grow into understanding. When you spend all your days and nights with someone how can you Not love them? Cherishing the past is fine, in fact it's important for it makes you what you are today, but holding onto it leaving no place for the present is just such a waste !!!!

All what I've said above is not just true of a guy and girl but also of any other relation. Why is it that we don't guide the people we care about so much with a doze of reality. It's admirable to support the ones you care about but we shouldn't be scared to nudge them in the right direction when we know what's happening is wrong. After all, what kind of love lets someone walk on the path of self destruction ?? It might not help immediately or maybe make you out to be a bad guy ( That's usually only if you're ruthlessly blunt ), but Maybe : just maybe your might make a difference. In the end, when all things are said and done, the intention will be appreciated.

As I say all of this I know it's all pointless. Only when realization dawns on the person in a given situation, does one decide that enough is enough. It doesn't matter till then who tells you what convincing you to do the right thing. When you decide to love yourself, is when all else falls into place. How else can you love another when you do not know to love yourself ?? It's surprisingly easy easy to lose yourself when you love another deeply and people don't usually know that it's much easier to find someone else to love that to repair your crushed self esteem . Believe me ! I've seen Most Versions of Love and what I've seen is to for any problem you need to believe with all your heart that it can be solved but more important is to know when to let go !!!!

So just stop giving excuses to yourself more than anyone else. Try, for once seeing things for what they are. Do yourself a favor and believe in yourself . Know that you are special and unique and there's someone out there who actually deserves you, who'll appreciate everything about you. Well, maybe not everything...but be sure they'll support you in your shortcomings, help your overcome them and gladly adjust with the rest. Don't worry about what others will say, they don't control the quality of your life, you do !!! Know what you want from your partner and be careful of what you're willing to give up. Believe that you can to be loved, just the way you want it and cherished with all that someone can give you.

Remember : You deserve to be happy !!!
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45 Spin Offs:

On June 1, 2009 at 1:20 AM , Keshi said...

A greta post Adisha!

I hope and pray that alot of ppl will read this one. Its a MUST.

**It's not ok to be in a relationship, once the trust isn't there just becoz you're too scared to be alone

I so agree!

I see alot of ppl wanting to be in r'ships just cos everyone else is in one or just cos they think it's a requirement to be happy. I think it's imp ppl first find out who they r and what they want b4 getting into a r'ship.

I hv seen alot of ppl 'struggle' being in r'ships just cos they hv no idea what its all abt except for the fact that they dun wanna be alone!


On June 1, 2009 at 1:47 AM , Zainab Dhanji said...

Thank you for keeping this post open for ppl like me by mentioning its not just HE - SHE thing you are talking about! cause seriously i dont recall ever falling in love with a guy. There surely were attractions and infatuations, but love -- never! Instead i have a very wierd case (No seriously i am a normal straight gurl) but i tend to like older people, mostly my teachers. Since primary uptill now my list of liking teachers have just increased with time. Presently (which is since da last 4years) its been my highschool teacher and well however much i would like to deny it (tho i dont) but i do love her. And i do fall under your definitions of 'WHAT IS LOVE' i.e. kindness, mutal respect, standing up for each other, caring... and the like. I know ... i know thats hard to accept whtever i am saying (HALF OF THE WORLD THINKS I'V LOST IT) but i dont understand what is wrong with the world. You dont decide who do u want to fall in love with! or may be ... just may be.. this one of your may be's is correct in my case which says...
"Maybe we just want to be loved so bad that we just keep stumbling in love, accepting whatever kind someone gives us."Whatever the case may be, i know one thing is for sure, whthr u love a guy, whthr u love a woman who is double you age, the feelings always remain the same. You do feel crazy and maddening when something goes wrong in the relation and you do feel absoluty on top of the world if you are blessed enuf to hear two nice words for you from the person you love. Point is, some people cannot apply your ITS NOT OKAY points in their relationship because it depends on the nature of relationship. If its one sided, or even heavy on one side and lighter on the other, then its hard to comply to the NOT OKAY points. But as you have said.. its about knowing when the enough is enough and when its the time to let go. I like to punch line.. and i agree-- above all WE ALL MUST LOVE OURSELVES.. and all else should be secondary

On June 1, 2009 at 3:25 AM , Stillness Speaks said...

This is guess is your BEST POST so far Adisha. Or Clearly THE BEST that I have read of you off late. I can't agree with you more on your list of what's not ok. You'd think that 'that someone' you're compromising so much for will understand and love you back, but it never happens. You cannot hurt the person you love. You just love them too much to make them sad. I think, it's better to fall in love with eyes open and when sure, close them :-)

You really said it all SO beautifully. Every word. Every sentence.

I guess everyone deals with this their own way. No matter how much you wish, others won't do it to themselves, until they conclude that "Enough is enough", they will continue to torture themselves.

But your intentions in sharing this with everyone who cares to read this, is highly appreciated, and here's hoping, it helps someone at the right time. Not when the damage has been done. God bless :-)

On June 1, 2009 at 4:12 AM , Tasneem N. said...

Oh my God adisha, that's such a wonderful piece.Though its long i was glued to it from the start to the end.I truly agree with everything that you wrote.Yes Love in simple words is just "simple". The more you go deep into its meaning, it'll get more complicated.Just love the person unconditionally, without really expecting anything in return.That's what love is, ain't it?
You are right, we are fools when we are in love.

On June 1, 2009 at 5:01 AM , Baljinder Singh said...

I appreciate your thoughts. I can just add on your saying. Loving yourself is a predecessor to loving someone. Its precisely right. But being in love with someone can make you a better person and I am saying this from my past experiences.

On June 1, 2009 at 8:35 AM , Priya said...

You have put all ur beautiful thoguhts and wellw ritten. I wrote long time back about loving yourself.

On June 1, 2009 at 4:48 PM , cutestangel said...

Phew!! What along post but definately worth a read.I agree with some of your points but Not all. In reality Sometimes we have to except that no one is perfect,there is no such thing as perfect love, there is not always a right and a wrong way.Love is about give and take, about compromise about understanding and sometimes even forgiveness and definately these is no room for egos.
I strongly believe that if your love is true for the person you will except their good points and some of the bad too,never try and change them .

On June 1, 2009 at 6:01 PM , Adisha said...

@ Keshi - Thankyou ... THe fear of loneliness drives people to do silly things.

On June 1, 2009 at 6:02 PM , Adisha said...

@ Zainab Dhanji - Well, I can understand that one doesn't chose who they fall in love with, but sometimes it's good to listen to the mind, instead of the heart. A little practicality to live life to the fullest is always good to bring a little level headedness to the table. If we all did what our little hearts desired, the world would fall apart at it's seams. That usually comes when you realize you need to take care of yourself before you are capable of giving love to another.

The Not Ok points are Ok once in a while but if love is ONLY one sided then it's really nto worth the time, energy, pains you take for it.

HOpe you find peace within your turmoils dear.

Take care, take control !!

On June 1, 2009 at 6:02 PM , Adisha said...

@ Stillness - Wow !! Thank you. I feel so too, coz this post holds Everything I hold close.

Thanks for appreciating my intention behind the post. That means a lot.

On June 1, 2009 at 6:03 PM , Adisha said...

@ Tasneem - I know it was long dear, I could have edited so much but I just couldn't as the thoughts flowed. Yes, we are fools in love, only till we find the person whose willing to be as much a fool as we are or close to !! :))

On June 1, 2009 at 6:03 PM , Adisha said...

@ Baljinder - It's so sweet that you visited. Thank you. You're absoulutely right. Loving someone requires a lot more of yourself , for you have to put them before yourself. And it's Even truer than a healthy love, no matter what kind, only makes you better for the experience. Do keep visiting. Take care.

On June 1, 2009 at 6:03 PM , Adisha said...

@ Priya - Thank you .. I'll try reading your post on it as well ...

On June 1, 2009 at 6:04 PM , Adisha said...

@ Cutestangel - Thanks for going through :) I know it's an effort. You're absolutely right, and if you read carefully I've said all that you've said, only in more words I guess :)) Keep well !!! Happy Loving ...

On June 1, 2009 at 9:04 PM , Keshi said...


I mean :)

Sorry abt the many typos!


On June 1, 2009 at 9:06 PM , Keshi said...

worse, the fear of not having an Identity makes ppl wanna get into r'ships...just so that they get a 'TAKEN/MARRIED' tag!


On June 1, 2009 at 9:45 PM , Hemanth Potluri said...

so small post :P....heart poured out huh!...but i so like the way u expresses ur feeling's :)...being lonely or being not cared is such a thorn to life of rose...

**Do yourself a favor and believe in yourself

truly said and we should start our self with happiness in life...

no excuses in life should ruin the happiness and never should they tend to....

be happy with a cute smile.....

beautiful post adisha :)...

but when ever i read mars and venus i smile out loud :P...may be i feel its true sometimes


On June 1, 2009 at 10:50 PM , Archana said...

Oh, He's just not that Into you - is definitely a great, light, summer read. I watched the movie, which if you liked the book, you should watch. It's silly, but fun to watch nonetheless. :)

As for people constantly making excuses for the 'misfits' they meet in their lives - - so not good or healthy, lol. If you find the man/woman that treats you right, there's no need to look for excuses. You love them they way they are, perfectly imperfect in all the right ways. Love is a healthy mix of Yin & Yang, sure it's not all Cloud 9, there will be moments when there's a thunderstorm, but once the sky clears it's back to wholesome sunshine. :O)

On June 1, 2009 at 11:59 PM , Chriz said...

what did your man say after reading this post?

well i would like to come back to this post and ill read it again with my wife (after i get married)...

some points really kicked me right there.. and it hurts.. just like the poem i wrote today

On June 2, 2009 at 11:11 AM , Kunjal said...

wonderful post Adisha:)
totally agree with you that the novels and movies fill our head with expections and things that are not possible:)
I belive that you poured some of the love from your life here:P

On June 2, 2009 at 2:48 PM , nups said...

hey Adi
Brilliant post... u knw i read ur reply to my comment in ur prev post.. so u actually made all that stuff amazing man :)i hope i too can someday... i wonder hw will i be as a me jitters at times.. i hope i have it in me... anyws cmng back to this post, i liked ur candid simple love gyan... but u knw i sometimes feel love is painful n thats all that it is.. period!! i wish at times, i could be numb n not feel any of it..the love n the pain.... ya i knw m nt very upbeat so m sayng all ths but seriously its too much hassle n heartache to live thru... i agree with evry word u wrote.. but guess i would wrap it up saying ...its PAINFUL !! n its kiling me right nw....

On June 2, 2009 at 4:47 PM , Adisha said...

@ Keshi - What can I say ?? Some times it's all just a fad !

On June 2, 2009 at 4:47 PM , Adisha said...

@ Hemanth - Well yeah ... yeah, but that fear of being lonely shouldn't let you lose your belief in yourself and rob you of your smiles ... :) Will keep smiling as you say ... thanks for the compliment !

Mars and Venus, yeah, it's true most of the time specially after marriage when I hear wives and hubbies commenting the same way :)) But that's part of life ! ;)

On June 2, 2009 at 4:47 PM , Adisha said...

@ Archana - Have full plans of catching up with the movie coz it is sure to be very different compared to the book, else usually the two are somewhat same but totally diff...

You're so rightio , if you find love, then you don't need to make up excuses to yoruself or another .... Sure there's even tornadoes at times, but once you pass you the eye, things calm down instantly :D hehehehe

On June 2, 2009 at 4:47 PM , Adisha said...

@ Chriz - My Man said - Job well done dear :D He's the one whose taught me how simple life and love are and should be. So, he's pretty much the source of this post. Through out our courtship and our marriage to date, he's been a perfect gentleman :) always ... even when he's really upset !!! hehehehee

Sure, do bring your wife back to read this one ... I'm sorry that some things hit the wrong spot but hey !! there are days and there are days :p :))

On June 2, 2009 at 4:47 PM , Adisha said...

@ Kunjal - Thanks, I seriously feel by now, that people tend to try to Make their love into what it should be ... Yeah, my life is the inspiration for this post ... :D

On June 2, 2009 at 4:48 PM , Adisha said...

@ Nups - Hey, sweti ... As long as there is love, all will be fine. So don't worry !!! I hope the pain you are refering to is being away from your guy :) , for love that leaves you feeling numb and hurting ALL the time is a very dangerous kind of love ( by my experiance ) !!

On June 2, 2009 at 5:56 PM , Priya said...

FYI-I saw the movie and enjoyed. Don't miss it.

On June 3, 2009 at 1:05 AM , anks said...

That is one hell of a long post...! i am going to have to come back and read it... cant do it in the coffee break :)

On June 3, 2009 at 9:02 AM , nups said...

hi Adi
i knw wat u mean..i have been there n done that ...hope u knw wat i mean (thank god it isnt the dangerous types this time)... but seriously i sooooo Hate long distance....n get super pissed at times with life being a bitch... u jus sit n pine away... at times i cope at times i crib..this is the cribbing phase :) anyws but let me also say that its real worth it cos i knw m madly in love :) its a see saw of emotions u knw..but i totaly agree with wat u say... one more thing which i tell al my younger friends..never take shit from anybody... ur self respect is very inportant never let anyone crush it in the name of love...wat do u thnk ....

On June 3, 2009 at 9:22 AM , Adisha said...

Oh !! Aisa hai ?? Toh that's ok love.... I can so relate to what you're going through. We had 1 year of courtship before we got married ( arranged tha ) and then when I visited kuwait for 3 months, my God the wait to get back to him was UNbearable ... But imagine after you're married and With him, and all this wait becomes bearable and easier.... a little :D Till then cribbign and venting is all we gurls have... :))

I took a sigh of relief reading your reply. I was really waiting for it :) I know , you'er absolutely right. That's something people forget to teach others ... Never let anyone do Any of the " Not Ok " things to you. Self respect not be confused with Ego of course .... It's surprising that so many people take each other for granted or treat each other shabbiliy thinking , oh ! i don't know what they think when they do that .... I just wish gurls / guys even would sometimes use their heads and see whether they are being treated the way they Should be in a relation !! I so regret not doing that earlier when I was hurting... But then somethigns happen for a reason, i guess I appreciate my hubby all the more for hsi kindness and love .... :) If You know what I mean ...

I hope you come here soon :) When's the wedding date ? Have you applied for visa yet ??

On June 3, 2009 at 9:31 AM , Adisha said...

And the best part is the opposite also happens , u know ?? some people confuse having self respect with " arre, I shouldn't be egoistic " and let things go on thinking letting people walk all over you is what love is all about .... Shoot !! I so HATE it when that happens ...

On June 3, 2009 at 12:39 PM , santasizing...Fantasizing said...

OMG...thats an amazing post...with an amazing point of view...strangely..I relate to each of the pointers you mentioned..
some that I have seen,and some I have seen others go through...but no matter who it is..the end is always pain and more pain...
and so much pain in the name of LOVE,is just not done...
You are being followed!!:)
lovely blog

On June 3, 2009 at 1:32 PM , nups said...

Hi Adi
ya i thought u may get confused so i explained... anyws... the wedding is on Nov 28th..if i had it my way i would be there like tomo :) but zalim duniya... have to wait n feel the days pass by.. anyws.. u knw at times its freaky to thnk of getting married in being the youngest i haven really taken responsibilities... so being a Bahu..n wife n all is damn scary man!! when i get scared i cherish the time i have as a free willy :) its fun actually :)
coming to the point u n i made... ego has to be buried but there's a fine line betn tat n self respect... i thnk we all really knw when the boundaries r trespassed....i went thru a bad patch earlier but i decided to walk away cos i couldn compromise on my Being.. u knw.. n when we give in at tat level we get enslaved.. so many girls take shit frm BFs even get beaten..imagine .. n still take it..i dono why... u r so right in sayng don be in a relation for fear of loneliness.... so many people mistake tat for love...

On June 3, 2009 at 1:53 PM , Adisha said...

hehehe I can imagine. life sure takes a turn after marriage... maybe i'll post about that next :)) I don't know what your situation is going to be exactly, but truth be told : with a loving guy by your side, it all tides over...

Till then have fun with your friends, spend AMPLE time with your family, pamper all those close to you, take in every moment of being single coz these days won't return ... One thing I do regret is I spent the whole time of my wedding with my hubby coz was meeting him after so long. Really wish had spent more of that time with my family ... you know ?? enjoyed the wedding with them :D Nyways, alls well that's ends well ...

Yeah, I've been there so can just imagine all the excuses girls give to Themselves coz they believe that's how lovei s supposed to be . My mom taught me since I was young, give love and you'll get love... but she never told me there are people out there who have no concept of what love is about... they just know how to take from you and give nothing but sh*t in return ... and people take everything coz we think , when we care bout someone " yeh sab toh chalta rehta hai " ... It's just so wrong ... Sigh !! I can go on and on about this. Even my friends, even now succumb to that thought process that since I love him, it's ok for him to treat me how ever ... not done man !!! And nothing I say can deter them coz they think whatever I say is just coz I don't like the guy ( which of course I don't ) and that their case is unique, their love different ... and again, in a few days, my heart breaks when I see them crying .... why does he do this ? why is he so mean ? etc etc etc ... and then a few hours later, some crappy explainations and they're back to sq. one .. urrrrgggh !!!

I remember once a friend of mine, called me in a horrid state, called her guy a MILLION names ( this was the nth time), and asked me to come be with her, see a movie or something... I traveled for 1.5 hours, leaving a party and when I reached back, there she was , standing with Him at the theater. I just walked away and stayed away from her love for misery... Icing on the cake a few months later, He dumped Her saying she wasn't good enough for Her ... That's people for you ...

On June 3, 2009 at 4:17 PM , Adisha said...

@ santasizing - Why Thankyou dearie :) GLad you enjoyed the read. I can imagine how things are when you see someone go through pain like that ... :( Have blog rolled you, keep visiting...

On June 3, 2009 at 10:42 PM , Keshi said...

A Fad it is...for some ppl :)


On June 4, 2009 at 7:31 AM , Anonymous said...

Before I could think that it was idealistic you said that “As I say all of this I know it's all pointless.” I could not agree with you more. I think more important than falling in love is to call it off when you know that it is simply not going the way you want and that you deserve something else now.
Yeah, no love is unique. The faster you wake up to the fact the better it is for the fallen in love ones.
They say love is more about understanding and all that, but actually none understands. If people understood there would not have been so many issues. What everyone needs to know is that human being by nature is selfish and hold on, selfishness is not a negative feature, we have been taught that being selfish is bad and that one should compromise sometimes. Why?
I think you contradicted yourself or probably its more of an agreement that like all things, love can not be perfect, although it can be improved upon continuously towards a hypothetical level of perfection. You spoke of loving yourself as being important and then asked not to brush off others wishes, but what if my priorities are more important to me and that might involve overriding what my partner would want me to do.
Yeah it is all good and merry when you are in love but beware! You lose your identity too if you become blind. You end up being for each other and forget that there is world beyond that is much more important. I honestly find it hard sometimes when I see people disregarding what their priorities are for something else that they would not have preferred under independent will. This topic itself can be debated endlessly.
Almost all my friends have been telling me that Arun I don’t know if you will ever fall in whatever is called as true love, just because they think that I am selfish towards my own objectives, that I am and I will never let that be replaced. But then hey, I am not complaining, I am very happy the way I am and have not truly fallen in so called true love ever.
I infact laugh sometimes when guys complain that all girls want is money and girls complain that all guys want is physical pleasure. Why debate? Isnt that true? What is wrong if a girl wants financial security to be sure that her priorities are always met and what is wrong with a guy giving more importance to carnal desires.
Agreement needs to be done on the fact that there are always going to be shortcomings and if there has to be a relation that lasts all this , what is needed is that both people understand the limitations and agree rather than defend their biases.
I have seen people say that the other partner is very possessive of them and crib about that all the time but somehow compromise and say that it shows how much the other person cares for them. Once you lose your freedom to do things that you would have done if no other influence was there, you lose it all. There is no point in trying to compromise and “keep telling lies.”
I honestly find love too overrated at times and see that it is more of a support for the weak hearted. It just feels good sometimes to know that someone is there with you. People getting too possessive makes me sick. None holds the right to control the other person. Yeah and as you said abuse can be mental also. Feel pity for those who got through it and are weak to not accept it. Might be I am an egotist who loves himself too much.
I think I have been random in my points. I think there is a lot more that can be still said. I guess I should be back on this again and comment once I get more time.
The book, havent read but I remember going fr that movie with a friend of mine and man did not I suffer.. People actually found it hilarious..No offence.. but I liked the ending of the movie..wasnt the normal ending of everyone being happy.but that off moving on..that was the only silver lining.and my friend wasn’t happy that it ended in a not so happy ending 

Keep blogging!
Arun Rafi

On June 4, 2009 at 9:18 AM , Adisha said...

@ Arun - Very well put !!! :) Appreciate your points ... and yeah, if you know All of this, some girl out there, will surely find her way to you when you're ready ie.. :)

On June 4, 2009 at 10:21 AM , Shruti Mukundan said...

perhaps... one of ur longest works!! i felt exhausted at the end so didn't really felt like going thru 39 comments!!

lemme just giv mine... u knw wat, its a controversial post after all but i loved ur honesty... but then truly speaking for each sentence i heard a voice from my heart which said "so easy to say" yeah its so easy to say all these things which r just not ok.. at times i get mad n feel really bad coz at sum point of time, i realise that i have fallen for the guy who has done almost all of ut 'not ok' things n i know they r not ok..!!

fiction.. unrealistic... hurtful.. watever... they r my memories n i cherish them! i know at times those acts r stupid.. like mine liking a guy since i had known wat 'liking a guy' means... n truly with all my honesty.. prob he is the only person i have ever wanted for myself... we r in touch n i could get my guts together to let him know my feelings a few months back.. check out 'thanksgiving' in my blog... that was a post dedicated to him... but then he is spl.. even though he doesnt care for me so much.. i know... but i keep telling myself one day.... stupidity.. foolishness.. watever... am waiting.. n i dont regret the wait... i feel proud of my honesty n sincerity towards him even though i know veryy well he doesnt deserve any of those.. but still... ur post kindled all my hidden feelings!! girl!! am overwhelmed by this post of urs!!!

On June 4, 2009 at 12:03 PM , Adisha said...

@ Shruti - I can understand ... Even while writing I felt it was horrendously Long... :)

Your honesty, as always is thoroughly appreciated and my heart goes out to you. I can truly understand what you're talking about and I sympathize. I can only hope that in time, you see the light and meet someone truly deserving of the love you have to share. I know it's all easier said than done, and sad truth is each one has to go through their own mazes before finding the end. My only aim through this post is to let people be aware of the signs that what's happening with them is common enough and definitely not ok !! I didn't mean to hurt anyone, but I Know for a fact if only I had someone to guide Me, I would have been in a much better place today. Its really sad that many a times in love, we idolize the one we love, even when they are not really deserving of the pedestal. But that's only proof that we love completely. Which is not too bad !! You Should be proud of yourself of being so loving. Trust me, it's just His loss ... but maybe , just maybe it's time to move on ??!! Well, All in it's good time. I'll pray for u to find peace and love ...

On June 5, 2009 at 3:04 PM , Priyanka said...

Adisha…this ws simply a brilliant post!! How cud I miss dis blog of urs!!
Love is actually so simple…its our mind that makes it so complicated… n we tend to go to any extent 4 our love…forgettin everything..even ourselves…. n if it doesn’t happen…den wht follows is pain n sufferin n regrets… but d fact remains that if its actually love from both sides…it wont hurt ever….
And I agree it also means ur loved one being happy even if u cant be wid them…. the realisation dawns later many a times…but it does if u love someone truly….

Love can nvr hurt…it alwys makes everything easier….

Whtever u wrote made sense!! Though many a times its tough to get back…. But u do have to… dont know how... but u have to try..

Loved this post a lot…u r so much practical n sensible I must say! Keep sharing ur experiences….!!
Hugs for this one! :)

On June 13, 2009 at 2:47 AM , Sorcerer said...

wonderful post.
I appreciate your thoughts.
such thoughts do cross our mind..but past paced world kills that fun.
nice post you have come up with.
keep em comming

On August 10, 2009 at 3:01 PM , oRange said...

i have always believed in love but recently a few things here and there have made me question this old belief of mine ..

see, for me ..the relationships i have now are just for fun in the sense ..u like this person, u enjoy his company yeah ..u guys like each other u just hook up and see where it goes. every person enters ur life to teach u something new.
but when it comes to marriage ..i dont believe in sacrificing. i think i LOVE is very important in a marriage. i will (atleast plan to) marry the guy i love and no one else.
but if love exists ..why doesnt everyone meet their soulmate? is it because they didnt try hard? or were they just unlucky?
isnt someone special made for everybody?

i've seen so many married couples around ..and i know they arent happy ..
and that makes me sad. it makes me not want to marry. im afraid we might just fall out of love or something.

one thing's for sure, marriage is highly overrated i feel ..

p.s: i doubt ull read this ..i commented on it after a long time. i hope u do :)
btw, awesome blog. i loveeee :)

On August 10, 2009 at 3:30 PM , Adisha said...

@ Orange - Thank you so much for visiting and your compliments.

Well, you are right in a way. Marriage is about love, but it's more about finding someone whose right for You. You cannot just be attracted to someone and expect everything to fall magically into place. While you two are having fun and seeing where it goes, you need to keep in mind what you truly want from your partner and if the person you are currently with seems capable of fulfilling your needs/ desires.

I personally don't believe in soulmates. Nor even that there's someone special made specaill yfor you.

There are a few people with whom you are truly compatible with and those are the people who are Right for you. Love is not about finding the right person but about finding a person and making sure you are right for them and they for you. I believe marriage is a union of two people who commit to each other and work on it every single day of their life.

IT's true there are people otu there for whom marriage doesn't seem to work but unfortunately these are people who made the wrong choice and then realize they jsut want different things from life and each other. One thing you need to realize when u're dating, you wont' be able to change anything about the person so u better to willing to work with what you have. Many other times, one of the two lets ego or their own desires come before their relation. Other times, they just aren't willing to move on, thinking marriage just sucks so might as well with this person.

Marriage to the Right kind of person is what brings forth happiness forever. it's not marriage but Love is overrated. Marriage on the other hand is a commitment that is not just about love, but about respect, caring, loyalty, romance, laughter and much more.

I can understand you being scared about marriage but it's basically a gamble. As in gambling, if you do it carefully and with lots of thought , you will surely win and hit the Jack pot !!!!!!!

Don't lose heart. There's someone out there whose perfect for you ...

Hope you find what u're looking for :D