Author: Adisha
•Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I came to the US immediately after marriage and after the first 6 months of getting to know my hubby and chatting with all my old friends and family, I started feeling the need for people whom I could talk to face to face, heart to heart or just share a joke. I'm unabashed in saying I gave my husband a lot of grief over missing my friends back home and he used to console me saying it'll take time. Sure, he had friends but then they were His, not Mine. And that is just different. I've always been of the school of thought, that in a marriage the husband and wife should each have their own worlds that they bring into the relation, thus enriching each other.

Being too used to having my own clique, I so missed the liberties of just calling up a friend, dropping by, talking for hours, partying, dancing or going out. After I got my license things got better as I would go grocery shopping and to the library and spend some time there. Soon, though I made some acquaintances. I consider myself social, and can chat up with anyone, but then there needs to be a click in order for a relation to grow, right?? And luckily I met a few with whom I could relate individually. Even the husbands got along and that was a big bonus.

All was right with the world again and I was back in my element. We gurls chatted, spent whole days at together, talked about Everything under the sun, ate out, ate in, tried out new things and laughed a LOT.

Then I went to Kuwait, to spend time with my family, and friends and by the time I came back we had shifted to Richmond, thanks to my hubby's job change. Now, I'm not one to begrudge change, but it'd taken me two years to get settled in N.J. And now suddenly, to be uprooted to a place where we didn't know anyone was a set back.

I'm back to square one, so to speak. Oh! The place is nice enough and we just Love our new apartment. His colleagues are pretty nice and we've had a few enjoyable outings with them. And then we have our weekly dance Meet Ups where we are learning ball dancing. But then all that's impersonal. I don't really have anyone I can be free with.

One would ask why I don't look for a job, but then getting a work visa in US, is hard enough without the market being horrid thanks to Recession. Trust me ! I know . On the good side, I have been able to give ample time to honing my writing skills, which has always been a passion. Now if only, I could make something of it. :))

The other day, while reading a book, it occurred to me, that it's so important for a person - the desire to belong. And that feeling of belonging comes when you have people around who accept you as you are, with whom you share a certain compatibility. People you can really count on and call friends.

I don't really mind being alone. I have so many hobbies ( as you all know) that I'm pretty much occupied all day long, but then when you're on your own for so long you tend to lose all your social skills. You stop desiring to talk to people on the phone, or chat with them even. And I'm one of the few people who keeps in touch with Everyone. Yet, some days there's an urge to just get up and go meet Other people, laugh a bit, have some fun , or just to be able to connect !!

This is the first post, where I don't really have a point but then there are days I get scared of becoming a recluse. After all, too much of something can turn into a way of life even. Which is what's happening with the world today. People are loosing touch with each other. N.J is full of " Desis " as they say and it took me almost 2 years to find my niche. Richmond is totally different culturally. Wonder how long it'll be before I find a friendly face around here ???

What about you ? Have you ever experienced something similar ?? Do share.
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29 Spin Offs:

On May 20, 2009 at 10:52 AM , Chronicwriter said...

nice food for thought.. when i get married , ill make it sure that my wife brings along some of her friends with her ..

chriz

 
On May 20, 2009 at 12:41 PM , Adisha S said...

@ Chronicwriter - I hope you're not being sarcastic :p But u Will probably need to keep her very occupied :D coz it's harder on the brides, leaving home, building a new one, adjusting... etc etc

 
On May 20, 2009 at 1:20 PM , Stillness Speaks said...

That was a very nice post and I don't blame you for feeling that way! In India it's so different and there are signs of life no matter where you go, unlike in the US where it's all quite, prim and proper :-) People there are friendly and courteous but it takes time for them to warm up to you and take you into their fold. I am not sure but it's a little different with Indians! Keep in touch with people online and get involved in some voluntary work. It might not pay but the interaction levels will be high! Yes you do tend to slip into the comfort zone of your own company, but that ain't too good. We are incomplete without the people around us! Take care Adisha :)

 
On May 20, 2009 at 2:24 PM , Adisha said...

@ Stillness Speaks - Thanks so much for being so understanding. I too want to volunteer but there again, we have One car and he leaves early:( though it means He comes back early as well :D Till then, it's me, myself, and my hubby !!

Though I don't think it's so much about Indians and otherwise ?? Though Indians are more chatty once you get to know them, I found in Jersey, Indians just wouldn't look at you for everyone who has been for 3 + years has their own group and getting into them is hard... Thus it takes time ... As per my experience :)

 
On May 20, 2009 at 2:40 PM , Anu said...

Anisha..
This post mirrored my thoughts exactly..I came to CA andeven though I have cousins and old classmates here, I missed India so much. And having a job didnt help , because i work from home. But dont worry it will get easier in time and Richmond will develop the pals ur looking for, till then take a deep breath and enjoy life

 
On May 20, 2009 at 2:40 PM , cutestangel said...

Adisha I feel for you ,it must be hard to uproot ,move away from family and friends to a new environment. But friends will come and go and soon you will make a new set of friends however count your self lucky that the one person who means the most to you is there supporting you.I am sure you will make new friends again and older friends are only a phone call away.

 
On May 20, 2009 at 9:50 PM , Kokonad said...

My sister-in-law also had the same problem when she first came to the US - she was bored and alone - but it's only a matter of time and you make friends - a lot of people go through what you are going through. Give it some more time - I gathered you have only recently moved to Richmond. Richmond has a pretty strong Indian population, not as much as NJ but definitely something! I am sure you will find societies that conduct Indian events - and that's the place to meet Indians! For one thing I know Richmond VA hosts a nice Durga Puja during Navratri...

 
On May 21, 2009 at 12:21 PM , C R D said...

well i guess its a common prob for a gal who gets married, whether or not she goes abroad. its always her who has to get adjusted.

My frnd too got married and went to the US. She hardly has anyone to talk to, and so shes online all day :P When she's not studying for her CFA that is :P

Oh btw, i was born in kuwait :d
Came to india just before the gulf war broke out and have been here ever since. Studied at Indian School Fahaheel till std 3. Lived in salmiya first and then in abu halfa. know of these places?

 
On May 21, 2009 at 12:44 PM , akanksha said...

First time here.Couldn't visit earlier coz I was out of action fro a long time:(
Nice blog u have here:)
Thought provoking post! I have somewhat similar thoughts regarding having my own niche of people, even after marriage.

Your post made me think a lot...It is rather difficult to adopt to situation like yours but having quite a few things that u like to do sure does make it easier:)
Good luck for the new place!
Keep writing.
Blogrolled u:)

Tk care

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:32 PM , Shruti Mukundan said...

as a matter of fact, it was just today morn when me n one of my frd were cursing the Indian culture to our heart content that y is it that girls have to leave their house n go with some aera-gera (tom-dick or harry!!) i mean there is such a loving n caring family for every girl, y should they ever need to leave them? its sad.. but then it is it! my frd suggested that even guys should leave the family but then that isnt the solution... in the sense that it wil just change one thing, presently 50% of population is missing their family n after wards if guys to need to leave their home after marriage, probably 100% of the population wil b missing their family...

its sad i know.. but then getting used to a new environment, new ppl, new this new that.. i can imagine.. tough! very tough! but then my mom says girls leave their homes coz they r more mentally stronger than guys... n they can adjust.. thats where girls get the upper hand.. mayb it wil take time but then i know u wil manage it with grace!

mayb u can try finding a few frds online near ur locality n then after u get quite familiarized with them online, u can get to ur fav outing-shouting.. wat say ;)

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:53 PM , Adisha said...

@ Anu - Welcome to my blog. I know it'll get easier ... but then till then there's the insufferable wait :) I enjoy as much as I can, and whatever I can but I still wonder ... Have already gone through it before, u know ?? :)

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:54 PM , Adisha said...

@ Cutestangel -Yeah, I do so appreciate the fact that he comes home earlier now since we are here. That's the only solace to my long days :))

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:54 PM , Adisha said...

@ Kokonad - Yeah, I know. It's hard in the beginning though. And this is my second time round, so ... Urgh !! :)If you get any more info on Richmond, like upcoming events do let me know.

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:55 PM , Adisha said...

@ C R D - So very true !! We gurls have to keep ourselves busy, to avoid going out of our minds :D

But in Kuwait, India I've always had my vast cirlce which included my support systems, so after marriage that difference is hard to digest.

Really ?? Wow !! Myself, born and brought up. Was in kuwait till the Gulf war, and went back after. I'm from ISK, Abbasiya and Salmiyah. :) We currently live in salmiyah. SO yeah, I know the place well :D

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:55 PM , Adisha said...

@ Aksanksha - Glad to have tingled your thought process. Much appreciated that you blog rolled me at first glance.

Take care.

 
On May 21, 2009 at 1:57 PM , Adisha said...

@ Shruti - Yeah, Indian culture is bad that way. But then these days most guys in India are out of home anyways, but it's us gurls that are so attached/ dependent on our family/friends. Guys are more above all that ( atleast on the surface), thus more adjusting in that regards.So it's up to the girls to keep the family together.

It's not the first time dear. I've been away from home for a lot of years before marriage also. But then after marriage it's harder to make friends since a lot of other things get included. So, making friends online is kind of difficult. :D hehehee.

And don't worry. Just becoz you're away from your family, doesn't mean you are " AWAY " from them. After marriage somehow girls become closer to their parents, as they understand how it was for their parents as they had begun a new life !! It's an adventure. Little difficult, enjoyable, full of compromises and lots of fun. B

Girls leave home, and go to their house , " I believe" becoz that's the first time they Own their Own home. They make their own rules. You cannot imagine the happiness one gets when setting up their own place, decorating every corner, being loved by a person who cares about them totally .

Then there Is the fact that we are emotionally and willfully stronger . :D

You're lucky to have your college near home. Cherish all the moments and continue pamper your parents..

 
On May 21, 2009 at 10:25 PM , Archana said...

Hey Adisha, very interesting and true to the heart post! My sister just got married and went to the US, and she's going through a similar phase. Everything's new and that familiar bubble of friends & family are so far. And trying to meet people, the type of people that you can really open up to and treat as 'friends'... is hard. Especially when everyone that you meet are either your hubby's friends, or are just acquaintances that don't come close to your inner circle of friends.

It's definitely tough. I know the feeling too, not from a married perspective, but after college I moved back in with my parents...and it's a huge change. I miss all my friends SO much, it's crazy. And with time differences (with me being on one side of the globe, and my friends the other)...it's definitely rough.

But yay for the internet, without which I'd be lost. I love that I have Facebook and Skype and other gadgets that gives me the 'false' pretense of hanging out with my friends in person. :) But beyond all that, I know think the point you make here about losing your social skills is kind of a scary thought right?

I mean, you don't realize it but when all your socializing comes from staying in touch with friends online, you kind of lose the touch of the type of face to face socializing that develops with friends when you're out eating lunch, or out partying or dancing or whatnot.

Anyway, I'm blabbing. Lol. Well I hope that you find your niche soon. It's always tough when you're new somewhere, but embrace the change because who knows, it might just have a whole other exciting chapter waiting for you to explore! :)

 
On May 22, 2009 at 3:29 AM , pranay tiwari said...

dear mam adisha i understand completely how you feel.. i had gone for an interview to chennai and when i was alone in the hotel room i cried because i missed my family so much... but i know one that you will adapt yourself. btw wanted to be a follower of ur blog...could not see the follow tab...and yes u are a good writer...keep blogging mam. take care bye

 
On May 22, 2009 at 9:18 AM , Adisha said...

Way to go Archana... Thanks so much for your comment and I'll have you knwo, I just love blabbers for they speak their mind always ... :)

 
On May 22, 2009 at 9:33 AM , Adisha said...

@ Pranay - Please don't say mam and all. Adisha is fine :) Thankyou. Thankyou for visiting and your compliments.

Well if you'd like to follow, you can goto your " www.blogger.com"

In that page, below in Reading List there is " Add " and " Manange" , you can " Add" the hyperlinks of the blogs you want to follow.

Just FYI :D

 
On May 22, 2009 at 2:53 PM , Sanika said...

I had a little different experience when i came here but i can totally understand what you are feeling. When i got married and moved to Colorado, my husband also had left CA (his home for 3 years b4 that) and moved to CO 2 months before i joined him. he went through the same phase that you are going through, So he joined a local cricket group. Those were the first few families that he and i both got aquainted with in CO. Once we were 'in' one group, you get to know different ppl in and outside, friends of friends etc.. its not the perfect set of 'your' kind of ppl in the beginning, but once your pool increases, you find the right ppl for you as you yrself experienced in NJ. It took me 4 years to get my set of a fav. few here and so i know how challenging it can be. Hang in there dear, i hear the average wait is 3 years.. Which year are you on in Richmond? :-) Till then long live long distance friendships.

 
On May 23, 2009 at 3:17 PM , nups said...

Hi Adisha
hmmmm .... to tel u frankly m scared nw... i m gona be soon in ur shoes..n i dono how i m gona manage... as in to be in NJ in next few months.... i wont knw a soul except my hubby... i cant drive n even if i do learn where will i go..who will i hang out with,i m a doc n there i dono wat will i do man! my degree isnt even recognised.... so all in all i dono where i m heading.... hmmmm.... u must have mastered the art of the adapting thing...i m dreading it

 
On May 23, 2009 at 5:04 PM , Adisha said...

Hey Sanika,

Yeah, I figure it's something like that !!The 3 year wait time I mean. I hate to say it , but you've got me a little worried coz this is my 3rd MONTH in Richmond now :) And my long distance friendships have lost their steam over the 2 years it got me to settle into NJ . hehehe. But hey !! I'm positive.

I have fun whenever I can and make those moments memorable, and most days that's good enough !!! :)

 
On May 23, 2009 at 5:54 PM , Adisha said...

Hey Nups : I'm truly sorry dear. I didn't meant to alarm you of course, but this is one of the bitter truths of life. If you take the time to read the comments of others ( I recommend it), u'll see it's different for different people and there's always that one thing that's working for u - Time !!

As soon as you get married, you'll be very pre occupied in seeing you new places, settin up your home, being in touch with your family and friends ,getting to know your hubby's friends and your hubby too :D And then slowly and surely, you'll know other people. NJ is Very different from " american " places. NJ is like a semi India. so you should be fine soon. You're a doctor huh ?! If your husband has a green card, you can get busy sooner than later, in one or other way. You Will surely get license in time, for Every woman living in states surely gets one. Don't forget to get your INdia license to US, for in NJ, you can get license based on your Indian license, so you don't have to give the Actual Road test. Even if you don't have an Indian license, it's MUCH easier to get one in India than here. So surely do that !! And you don't need to dread it.. A new chapter of your life is about to begin. Be positive and be willing to ride out to new oceans and adventures. It maybe be hard but as long as you make the most of all opportunities in front of you, u'll be OK. :D

LIfe is US is unlike India ofcourse, as I'm sure your to be tells you often enough, and like any other place has it's advantages and disadvantages. But as per my over all experience, it's mostly good stuff, specially with your love by your side !! So chin up ...

 
On May 24, 2009 at 3:58 AM , nups said...

hey Adisha
thanks a ton for that !! ya i knw wat u mean... life never ceases to throw at us new opportunities n many such challenges.... guess we r lucky that way..how many actually get to experience the "uncharted waters" hmmmm... so all in all as u saying its wat u make of it rather than wat life puts u in ....... thanks pal!!

 
On May 24, 2009 at 7:55 AM , Appy said...

Well, I have been on the constant move all throughout my life thanks to my dad's transferable job and I totally get what you are trying to say. As soon as I felt settled in a new place and made new friends, it was time to move again. But to be very honest, in retrospection, I have enjoyed every bit of it. I have made friends for life all across the country and I think it has enriched my life no end. I wouldn't trade it for anything else :)

 
On May 24, 2009 at 6:00 PM , Priya said...

Some times change residence can hamper many things but thaz how we learn and get to see many places. Mostly its the IT ppl' who are on the move. I did make friends while in US but now in Canada, I hardly know anyone except hello smiles.

Best thing is to study and work witin US when u do not have a work visa. I did and also worked as a student for an year and then move over here.
Life is always about exploring or new adventures. But also don't jump seeing a desi without knowing who they are to invite home.

 
On June 1, 2009 at 8:04 AM , dreamy said...

I can completely relate to that...I guess now I have reached a point that i am not afraid of being a recluse..in fact at times prefer and enjoy it...but yea that does not mean i dont get the urge at times to go and tlk to someone..but if talking to ppl also gets too much i need to get back to my alone time to recharge myself.

 
On July 20, 2009 at 11:09 AM , my inner world said...

first of all.. i loved your piece !!!!!!!

second... i will be on the same boat... few months from now.. will be settling in U.K after getting married... and i have heard really mixed opinions about girls getting married in an another country... one thing remains common among all the reviews is that after few years... you really really really belong to that place and that you would not at all find yourself coming back to your home country for anything....

i am not at all strong as i just sounded... cant think about leaving family for an hour even... it is just the thing of easier said than done..... i know i m going to miss my family... will miss india... and many other things... and i will take time to adjust and belong as well... we can just hope for the best and strive our best to mingle and belong in a new place....

:))