I've lived almost three decades now and yet when I talk to my mother who has two more decades on me, we have disagreements over what life means and what's the best way to resolve a situation - hypothetical or real.

Just yesterday, we were conversing and my mother says that all that happens is with the will of God. Our decisions, actions, every minute event that occurs is coz that is what God wants.

Now I honestly do not agree with that. For that pretty much absolves people of taking responsibility for anything that they do or happens in their life. It's like saying, no matter what you've done, you aren't responsible. Besides, where is the fun in living life to the fullest, if it's the life you would be having no matter what decision you take.

My belief is that life is in our hands. God isn't so cruel as to make you miserable on purpose or make you do bad things but yes, He defines certain paths in your life. The one you take leads you to the next one in the matrix and so on. While this may be a lot of work for Him, I believe that's where free will comes into the picture.

To which my dear mother responded, " Then why is it that bad things happen to good people or people with good intentions cannot go through on their desires ? "

I admit that stumped me for a minute but I came back with the logic that, "The intention is what matters. The action may or may not come to fruitation because our lives our not our own. They are connected to a number of individuals whose paths and intentions influence ours.

Thus, supposing you ( my mother ) wants to go to the temple, but father is busy at work and no one can pick you up and give you a ride then that doesn't mean you didn't want to go. That just means that things didn't work out. "

Now lots of people out there might find flaws with my point of view but then it's a work in progress. I just felt I should put it out there to see the reaction it Might generate. :)

Life is changing ... slowly but surely. Where have I been the past four months ?! Hmmm....

The good news is the I'm expecting. :-) And I couldn't be happier about it.

The bad news is the I've been too sick to even think about writing or any other extra curricular activity for that matter. Any exertion physical or mental added to all the pregnancy symptoms and lack of sleep has me reeling. Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin has taken a new meaning and the temperature/mood fluctuations have my hubby cringing in anticipation.

Till the first time I saw the first ultra sound of the baby I just felt I was sick. Once I saw that, everything starts seeming to be worth it.

But damn, it's all as scary as it is exciting !! One second I'm imagining what the baby might be like, how naughty it's going to be and the other minute I'm freaking out at how I'll manage life with a baby in it. On one side, I try to do everything everyone tells me to make sure I do everything right. On the other, I'm whispering to the baby asking if it's all right !!

Sure, it's all a very natural process of life but I envy those who have a smooth and easy pregnancy just having to deal with the tribulations of being with a mom when the baby starts it's first breath in the real world.

Everyone keeps saying to be happy, but how does one find the time to be happy when all they are doing is trying to get through another day as comfortably as possible !! The number of horror stories of pregnancy , delivery and the actual child rearing don't really act as lullabies either. Why is it people Never talk about the joys of being a parent ?!I swear if one more person tells me to think happy thoughts, I might just sock them !!! No offense ..

And the decisions ... urghhh !! Oscillating between doing what's right compared to what you really want sucks big time causing more mental strain.

Above all, the desire to do something is as always inversely proportional to the number of reasons one should not do it to which I attribute my intense craving for SHUSHI !!!

Oh sure, people around me couldn't be kinder but inspite of it all, I seem to be extremely alone and I have a sneaking suspicion this is only the beginning  ...